Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

A somewhat frustrating day, but I have managed to achieve quite a bit today!

There have been some more firsts over the last couple of days: yesterday I did my first online grocery shop, and today it was delivered. It was a big shop, because my larder was fairly depleted, and I also needed new ingredients for the recipes I am keen to try. Yesterday I cleaned out the fridge freezer - very glad to have done this before the grocery delivery. It is all looking sparkly and clean now!

After putting the stuff away from the delivery, I suddenly realised that all this activity was starting to catch up with me, and I ran out of energy and had to rest. My idea of cooking supper bit the dust, and my hubby was back in the kitchen again... He is very good, and willing to take over when the need arises, I am glad to say. A bit frustrating, though. I am still very limited by my small reserves of energy. I so want to run before I can walk, and need to remember that I still have M.E. and will still suffer from “post-exertional malaise” – when the consequences of doing too much catch up with one, but the payback is delayed by a day or more. I have certainly been very busy over the past few days, trying to get the kitchen straight before my first online grocery shop.

I am already experiencing the problem of “too many cooks spoil the broth” – for the meal he prepared, my hubby used some curry sauce I bought today, that I was planning to use it for something else! This transitional period, when we are both cooking, is bound to be problematic, and certainly more difficult than when he was doing all the cooking and shopping. It’s going to be hard to keep track of exactly what I’ve got in the larder and planning the meals, and he may be called upon to do the odd bit of shopping until I can get straight.

While all this is going on, I still have several upcoming hospital appointments:

Thurs. 12th Nov. (tomorrow): Pre-assessment for my procedure next week.

Tues. 17th Nov.: Appointment with the support garments lady in the stoma clinic.

Wed. 18th Nov.: Investigation of what is left of my rear end under general anaesthetic, by my surgeon, Mr. Pullan, in the Day Surgery Unit. His registrar was unable to make a thorough investigation at the end of October because it was too uncomfortable, and it required more time than he had.

Thurs. 19th Nov.: CT scan, to see if there is any evidence of cancer still in my body.

Fri. 27th Nov.: Bloods and port flush on the Ricky Grant (chemo) Day Unit.

Mon. 30th Nov.: Oncology appointment, when I am hoping to get the cancer all-clear!

I had two letters from the appointments clerk at the hospital today, one relating to my pre-assessment appointment tomorrow, and the other to the procedure itself, together with a leaflet detailing what to expect and how to prepare.

Yesterday I counted up just how many appointments I've had at the hospital, and not counting my stay in hospital for my surgery, it has so far been 43! Add on the ones to come that I know about and it's 49! I have spent a great deal of time there, and my hubby has driven me there every time, and been so supportive throughout.

Now the kitchen is sorted, I am hoping to be able to start cooking in earnest, and also to be able to get back to being creative in the studio again, but with all these hospital visits, I’m not sure how long it will be before I’m in a more relaxed and manageable routine again. I just have to learn to pace myself and not expect too much before I’m ready. Having felt so much better, and then having a bit of a crash this afternoon, this is very hard. I’m still far from where I need to be, and it’s going to take time. It’s all about getting the balance right between activity and rest, and not getting frustrated, and I’m not very good at this! You’d think after living with M.E. for 8 years that I’d have pacing down to a fine art, and before the cancer, I was managing it pretty well, but this has upset the balance and now I’m in the recovery period, it’s a whole new learning curve and I feel like a novice again.