Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Helping Patients Prepare for Medical Procedures

I have been approached by a lady in the USA who represents a company called American Recall Center, which serves to educate people who are about to undergo medical procedures. They help them to know what sort of questions they should ask, so that they are as informed as possible beforehand, which should alleviate their fears. She felt that with my recent experiences I might be able to help with some input. She has asked me to provide a link for “Patient Safety Alerts” on their website:

http://www.recallcenter.com/safety-alerts/

where people can sign up. Their top priority is patient safety, whatever procedures or drugs are prescribed for them.

It’s very common for people’s minds to go completely blank when confronted with bad health news, and for any sensible questions to go straight out of the window. Hospital staff here in the UK at least, are much more prepared for this nowadays, and will always give people ample opportunity for talking and asking questions, even if it doesn’t happen at the time – they will always be able to see someone a few days later, once the news has sunk in and they have a bit more idea of what to ask.

It is also very natural for people to be very afraid, and to react in unexpected ways – they can become totally numb, or very angry, or tearful, and it is very hard to be rational at such times. It is important to remember that you are not alone, and that many in the past have trodden the same path as you, and the staff are dealing with these issues all the time.

I have had lots of advice from people, professionals and non-professionals, to write down everything as I think of it, because once you get in to your appointment these things tend to get forgotten! When I first saw the surgeon, I had such a long list of questions that I was a bit embarrassed, and he laughed at me because he could see I was hiding it! He was very happy to answer them all, and many were answered before I even had the chance to ask them. I wrote down the answers beside each question as he told me, so that I had all the information. I also wrote down things he told me, for which I had had no questions. When I got home, I read it all through carefully as soon as possible, and collated it into a format that was easier to read and remember. The doctor won’t mind you making notes.

There are many different procedures people undergo, of course. My experience was to have my large bowel and rectum removed because of cancer. When they first told my hubby and me, immediately after I came out of the colonoscopy, that they had found “something they didn’t like the look of” and that I would have to have surgery, my first question was, “Could it possibly be benign?” At that stage, all she would say was to repeat that they didn’t like the look of it. As the conversation proceeded, it was clear that I had a malignant tumour. I was given a sheet of paper with contact numbers on it and the names of the people who would be caring for me in the coming weeks, and was told that they would be very open with me as regards information, and that I would be fully involved in any decision making regarding my care; they wanted me to feel in control of things, which would prevent me feeling too vulnerable and afraid. This was very reassuring, and helps no end in bringing about the very best outcome to one’s procedure, with a faster and easier recovery, with fewer post-operative complications. Anything that reduced stress is good.

Everybody seems to have been able to give me ample and adequate time to discuss things in detail. I had excellent appointments, for example with the anaesthetist (pre-assessment) where everything about the Enhanced Recovery Programme was explained, and what extra care I would need to make allowances for my M.E. and heart problems.  When the plan was changed from simply the removal of the cancerous portion and sewing the ends of the bowel together, to a total colectomy and the formation of a permanent ileostomy, this was fully explained and I had ample time to process the information. It was gently and kindly done. I was involved with the stoma team from the word go, before my operation, to prepare me for what was to come, and my questions were all answered, and information freely given. I was provided with a starter pack with some sample bags to handle and get accustomed to, and some information booklets and a DVD.

I had special concerns about not being rushed into too speedy a recovery after surgery, because of my disability, and was reassured that this would be taken into account. I had a brief problem with one of the nurses and had a vulnerable moment when I felt not listened to, and forced to do more than I felt able to do, and I passed on this complaint, and thereafter there wasn’t a problem. Communication is key. If you have any worries, it is vitally important to tell somebody straight away – if you have told someone not adequately qualified to deal with it, they will pass it on to the right person, or fetch that person to speak to you. I believe it is very important to remember that YOU are the most important person and that the staff are there to care for you and do what is best for you, and they have a responsibility to listen to all your concerns, and that they won’t know what is worrying you if you don’t tell them.

Many people in the past were very afraid of too much information and preferred to proceed in ignorance. This had the potential to generate a lot of unnecessary fear, which affected the outcome of the procedures involved. I think more people these days are wanting to be much better informed. This is largely due to better education, and freely available information on the Internet – people are much better informed generally these days about medical matters, and the mystique of the medical profession is becoming a thing of the past, which is a good thing. Doctors are not gods, and they are not perfect; if they are any good, they will be open to proper balanced discussion, and if you are not getting this, and are feeling short-changed, you have the right and responsibility to say so, not just for your own benefit, but for the benefit of those coming after you. They are doing their job all the time, day in, day out, but we only have one chance at this, one operation, one problem, and it takes on huge significance in our lives, and sometimes doctors need to be reminded how differently these issues affect us, from the way they affect them as professionals.

Whenever an operation, test or procedure is recommended for us, we can feel a lot more secure if we know exactly what is being proposed. For instance, someone undergoing an MRI scan may be terrified because they suffer from claustrophobia, and they may want to know if there is an alternative procedure they can undergo instead, or whether they can be sedated. It is important to understand any risks of procedures, as set alongside the benefits.

I found that doing a lot of online research about my various procedures helped a great deal. For instance, when I knew I was having chemo, and that this would be infused into my body via a PICC line, I went on the Internet and had a look at a lot of information and pictures of this; it was not something I had come across before. I could see that I would have a line coming out of the crook of my elbow for the entire six months’ duration of the treatment, and this would have to be covered up between treatments. With the summer coming on, I didn’t really fancy this, and was worried about knocking it, showering, the risk of infection etc. etc. I did some research into alternatives and discovered the port-a-cath, which is embedded completely in one’s chest with nothing to see at all between treatments. OK, the procedure to insert it is much more complicated than the PICC, involving a general anaesthetic, but thereafter, the hassle is completely minimised, making life very much easier and more comfortable. I decided that this is what I would prefer, so I phoned the specialist nurse and asked if I could have it. She was amenable to the idea, on condition that my oncologist approved, and the approval came back without delay. I felt empowered that my choice was taken seriously and acted upon, and I feel very much more secure and confident as a result. I would have been happy to go along with the PICC instead, if they came up with some reasonable objection to the port-a-cath; it is important that we listen to the experts as well as talk to them about what we want; after all, they have the information and experience and ultimately know what is best for each individual, but there is flexibility in every situation, and there should always be the opportunity for equal, open and reasonable discussion. You and those involved in your care should work together as a team and it is important to develop a good working relationship with them; they will get to know you and know where you are coming from, your attitudes, your hopes and fears. Again, communication is key, making your views and feelings known, and listening to the wisdom of the experts.

For anyone about to undergo any medical procedure who is reading this, I hope it has been helpful and informative. Please do not hesitate to comment and ask any questions you may have, or add anything you may think I have left out. Anything we can do together, to help us get a better service and help us to feel better about what we are going through, is bound to be a good thing.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Dad’s Funeral, Thursday 19th December 2013

Graduation

The past few days I have felt absolutely exhausted, but better enough today to put fingers to keyboard and share with you what a wonderful service we had for Dad on Thursday.

My hubby, my sister and I planned it from beginning to end, and it was very hard trying to decide what to put in and what to leave out, because Dad lived such a full life with so many interests and skills, but I think in the end we did him proud!

The above photo was taken at his graduation from Manchester University in the late 40s. He looks so handsome! We put this on the back cover of the service booklet.

I designed the service booklet myself, and the funeral director submitted it for printing. This seemed so right, and it felt like a beautiful service I could perform for Dad, to put my design and layout skills to their best use, to produce something beautiful that would honour him, and that his friends and family would want to keep afterwards.

We asked our local organist, who is extremely gifted, to play a selection of J.S. Bach chorale preludes at the beginning of the service, and one at the end – Dad loved many forms of classical music but Bach was his first love (something he passed on to me), and these pieces were also played at our wedding. During the service we played recordings of other favourite pieces of Dad’s, and as his coffin left the church, carried shoulder high by four bearers (my hubby being one of them), “Syrinx” for solo flute by Claude Debussy was played. Dad used to play this piece often, and it is so haunting and atmospheric. You could have heard a pin drop. Throughout the service, Dad’s flute lay on his coffin. He played all the woodwind instruments during the course of his long life, apart from the clarinet and the recorder, and self-taught, achieved a proficient enough level to play each one at various times in his local symphony orchestra. The flute was his first instrument, which he took up when at Manchester Grammar School.

Also during the service we sang a selection of his favourite hymns. One in particular stands out: “Teach me, my God and King,” written by George Herbert in 1633. I wanted this hymn at our wedding, but since I had chosen every hymn and every piece of music, I thought it only right to let my poor hubby choose at least one thing! It was this hymn that had to be dropped, which I was very sad about. It is a most unusual hymn, written at the dawn of the Age of Reason when alchemy and superstition were giving way to modern scientific method and discovery. It contains references to both disciplines, and points to Dad’s many interests in the nature of the physical universe, and also describes his character – someone who did everything to the very best of his ability, for the glory of God. Somehow, not having it at our wedding was made perfect by having it at Dad’s funeral instead.

Teach me, my God and King,
In all things Thee to see,
And what I do in anything
To do it as for Thee.

A man that looks on glass,
On it may stay his eye;
Or if he pleaseth, through it pass,
And then the heaven espy.

All may of Thee partake;
Nothing can be so mean,
Which with this tincture, “for Thy sake,”
Will not grow bright and clean.

A servant with this clause
Makes drudgery divine:
Who sweeps a room, as for Thy laws,
Makes that and the action fine.

This is the famous stone
That turneth all to gold;
For that which God doth touch and own
Cannot for less be told.

The service consisted of exactly the right balance of solemnity, beauty, joy, fun and laughter. My hubby, my sister and I were all able to speak about Dad, sharing our own reminiscences of him, and there were many amusing anecdotes! My talk, which I entitled “My Inheritance” was a distillation of my blog post about the importance of objects as symbols, and I took along the objects described in that post and made a little display on a table at the side, complete with explanations for each one, and selected half a dozen to include in my talk.

In my sister’s talk, she included a reading of two of his favourite Hilaire Belloc nonsense poems that he used to recite from memory to anyone who would listen – having heard them so often over the years I have them by heart myself! She remembered things about Dad that I had forgotten – such as how he and she used to climb trees!

My hubby spoke about him after the reading of Psalm 1 (“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly…”) which so summed up Dad’s integrity and righteousness; he spoke about Dad’s faith, and shared his own reminiscences. Between us, we included his diligence in his profession as a surgeon, his music, his engineering (and especially clock repairing) skills, his love of astronomy, his general eccentricity, his great sense of humour, his love for his cars, snooker, croquet, fencing, tennis and table tennis, and his enthusiasm for life and his constant desire to learn new things, which kept him forever young.

After the service, the pews were pushed back and we tucked into a splendid Devon cream tea, with sandwiches and lemon drizzle cake, and plenty of opportunity for further reminiscences. Lots of old friends and colleagues were there, and family members from as far afield as Yorkshire and Staffordshire – my only regret was that so many people had to leave so soon, as they had long journeys to make in the darkness and the rain, and I only managed a few minutes’ conversation with my cousins and Godmother, for instance.

In addition to the display of objects on the table, I also set up my laptop with a slideshow of photos taken throughout Dad’s long life, and this was watched with great interest by all and sundry. During the wake, a CD was played of further favourite pieces of music which Dad had loved.

The beautiful little country church was decorated ready for Christmas, with the candles lit, and the Nativity on the table to one side.

We chose a beautiful willow coffin for him. I have a thing about coffins – I really hate them! My hubby knows a wonderful local firm of funeral directors who offer “green” funerals and in their catalogue, they provide several different willow coffins, and also shrouds on a bier – we attended a funeral a couple of years ago when this was used, and it was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. They cannot use shrouds for cremation, though, so we chose the most natural-coloured willow one, which rested on two simple ash trestles. We chose beautiful flowers, all in white, with some greenery – Dad loved simple, unadorned things, and I think this would have pleased him immensely. As he was borne out, I had a thought that it was fitting that he should be in a Moses basket – just like at the beginning of his life! We had chosen his favourite clothes to be dressed in for his final journey, including the green velvet waistcoat with the silk applique ivy leaves which I had made for him many years ago.

Dad's Funeral 19-12-13

When the funeral director returned to the church after taking Dad to the crematorium, he told me that on the drive there with Dad, the sky became very dramatic, with a huge dark cloud behind them, and shafts of sunlight ahead, which he said made the grass greener than he’d ever seen it, and the sheep more luminous! As he watched, a rainbow appeared. I believe this was a beautiful sign that God was smiling down on Dad and welcoming him into His Kingdom.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

The Hare with Amber Eyes, Dad’s Treasures and the Importance of Inheritance

Warning – long post, but please stick with it as hopefully it will make sense by the end!

In Memoriam: My beloved father, 1923-2013

Over the past week I have been giving a lot of thought to the importance of objects as symbols of something much deeper in our lives, and especially since Friday night when my Dad passed quietly away. I have already posted this photograph on my blog, of a collection of items which used to belong to Dad:

02 Dad's Treasures

and I have had several requests for more information about these intriguing objects.

Coinciding with this, I have just been listening to one of the most fascinating and gripping audio books I have ever heard – I enjoyed it so much that my hubby is going to give me the illustrated hardback book for Christmas.

The Hare with Amber Eyes

A few weeks ago I watched two programmes on TV on the work of Edmund de Waal, a ceramicist living in London who makes vast numbers of individually thrown plain porcelain pots which are then meticulously arranged in vitrines (glass cases) and on simple shelves, and exhibited as installations. The effect of these pots-en-masse has a strangely restful effect, on me at least, and there is as much importance given to the spaces between the vessels as to the pots themselves – I have some further thoughts about this which follow below.

He studied in Japan for a while, perhaps explaining the origin of the “zen” effect created by his work, and stayed with his great-uncle, who had inherited the family’s collection of Japanese netsuke, tiny, intricate carvings of animals, people at work, and many other subjects, originally intended to be worn as toggles dangling from cords on Japanese clothing.

He has now inherited this collection himself, and he decided to take time out from his work to retrace the steps of this remarkable collection, from the time when his ancestor Charles, of the wealthy Jewish banking family of Ephrussi, originally acquired them as part of his huge art collection. This voyage into the past became one of the most extraordinary books I have ever read, and is at the same time an intimate family history, a detailed account of various artefacts in the family collection, a history of the turbulent years of European history from the days of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and its dissolution with the First World War, the unstable inter-war years and the rise of Hitler, and the devastating destruction of the Nazi years and the Second World War. It also details the struggle of European Jews to assimilate into mainstream society, and how thin a veneer this proved to be, and how this was ultimately stripped brutally away by the Nazis in an attempt to rid Europe of the Jews once and for all.

The thread running throughout this remarkable tale is the objects in the collection, in particular the netsuke, passed down faithfully from generation to generation, each one gathering along the way its own collection of stories and memories, layer by layer, as it passed through each succeeding hand. Gaining far more worth as symbols of family continuity than their intrinsic or monetary value, these objects became so much more than mere “things,” which made their theft, splitting up and dispersal, and in some cases destruction or disappearance, all the more traumatic as the family inheritance was raped and pillaged.

Edmund de Waal is a quiet, unassuming man with immense talent and a capacity to create simple objects with the capability to move one in a way not expressible in words. There is something very Japanese about his work which speaks to us in a totally different way from Western art. He has written books on pottery, and The Hare with Amber Eyes, his first book dealing with wider issues, is a masterpiece. On the audio version I have, there is an interview with him at the end of the book, and he expresses amazement that it has shot into the bestseller lists, when he expected this personal family history to be of limited appeal to an audience wider than his own intimate circle.

Reading the book, I began to feel intimately acquainted not only with the characters in his family tree, but also with the objects they owned and passed on, and could feel a real sense of grief as they were wrenched from their rightful place, and something died. I had never before thought of the Holocaust as a destruction of symbols as well as people – the physical object may still exist, as a painting, or a piece of porcelain, or an article of antique furniture – in a museum or in the hands of another private collector – but stripped of its story, and the threads that bind it to the family and the other objects in their collection, it is diminished and becomes a mere thing.

When we cleared my parents’ house ready for sale, my hubby, my sister and I spent many hours in Dad’s study. Mum always complained that he never threw anything away, and I am so, so glad that he did not. Yes, it made our work much harder, but what we found was a treasure-trove. My hubby came into our family too late to witness the stories growing around these objects, many of which he had never even seen before, because he never lived in the same house with them. My sister left home very soon after leaving school, and was never as close to Dad as I was. I have spent many a long and happy hour in his workshop with him, as a child, “helping” him by holding things, and just watching, and letting him explain what he was doing, and why, and seeing his unique way of working, and gradually moving away from the carpentry and cabinet-making of my younger childhood, to the metalwork and engineering of later years with the acquisition of the first lathe, and throughout, the passion for clocks – collecting, repairing and maintaining them, not just for himself but for family and friends as well, the only payment usually being a bottle of his favourite Single Malt!

My dad was a consultant ophthalmologist by profession, but he could equally well have been an engineer like his father, or a professional musician. He was a true Renaissance Man. His stature was small and might be considered by some to be insignificant, but his brain and his heart were that of a giant. After a long day of intricate and exacting work, he could not simply put that great brain and those deft fingers to sleep, but would spend his leisure hours creating things simply because they interested him, or conducting experiments in optics and sound, often with me as his willing “gofer,” assisting with the setup of the experiment and witnessing the results. We had a great deal of fun throughout, and I have now come to appreciate that he enjoyed my company just as much as I did his, as he had no-one else to share his interests with at home.

We found copious notes, and many curious objects when clearing his study, and my sister and hubby would pull something out and say “What on earth is this??” and I would whoop for joy as a whole treasure-trove of memories would tumble out, and I rescued it and saved it to keep as my special inheritance – the intrinsically valueless object made infinitely valuable by its own stories, known perhaps only to Dad and myself.

Before we embarked on this clear-out, I had already started acting on a plan I’d been hatching for months – to make an album about Dad’s life, chronicling his ancestry, childhood, youth, professional life, interests, etc. etc. I had already created the first page, and with the discovery of all these treasures, I have a wealth of material to incorporate. Some items will have to be included in photographic form, those which occupy the special shelf, along with others I have not yet found in the course of my unpacking after the house move. The whole collection will be a lasting archive of a life well lived, lived to the full, and special and personal and unique to me. My inheritance.

The Objects

Astigmatic Lens Model

Astigmatic Lens Model

Astigmatic Lens Model Detail

While working at the hospital, every few months a new intake of junior doctors would arrive. My dad was the only consultant in the team who believed that a working knowledge of optics was a useful tool for the ophthalmologist – curious really, because it is so fundamental, but perhaps the younger consultants were more interested in the hi-tech aspect of the work, with the use of lasers, diamond knives, etc. and maybe felt that optics were far too mundane! Dad used to run a short evening class at the end of the working day once or twice a week, which the young doctors would attend, and in the course of this he would produce visual aids to help explain some of the more complicated aspects. One of these was this model of the astigmatic lens – of particular interest to me since I suffer from astigmatism! Hard to explain how a lens could focus a beam of light not into a point but into a line, but his model, with the threads running through the perspex representations of the lenses, explains it perfectly. It is also a rather beautiful object.

Trick Dovetail

Trick Dovetail

In his cabinet making days, I was always fascinated by the beautifully fitted joints – the mortise and tenon, and especially the dovetail, which had to be carved so accurately with a series of chisels. I loved the sound of the tap-tap-tap of mallet on chisel, and the appearance and fragrance of the fresh shavings which would fall from the bench. Dad came across a pattern somewhere for creating a trick dovetail, with a dovetail joint on all three faces of a triangular prism – clearly an impossibility to assemble! Of course, these dovetails are not real dovetails at all, but they certainly look real! On this little piece, made of two solid pieces of wood (not veneered), one oak and the other mahogany, you can see the dovetail on each face. Over the years, with polishing, these woods have become darker and it is less easy to see the difference between them than it was originally. This little object is very tactile and the satin finish of the polished wood and the contrasting clean sharpness of the edges feels pleasing in the hand.

Graefe Knife

Graefe Knife

In 1987, his colleagues had a Graefe knife (cataract knife) gold plated and mounted in a small silver-mounted glass display box, to be presented to him on his retirement from the hospital. Wikipedia says of this knife that “Use of the knife demanded a high level of skill and mastery,” something my Dad had in abundance. Nobody uses them now, as with the advance of technology there are easier methods.

My Grandmother’s Silver Medals

My Grandmother's Silver Medals

Three heavy silver medals presented to my Scottish grandmother (Dad’s mother) in her school days, in the years 1907 and 1908 – prizes for mathematics, English, and science. She was an extremely bright lady, and graduated from Aberdeen University in 1913 with a 2nd class honours degree in mathematics and natural sciences. (Scotland was obviously more enlightened than England in those days because it was many years before English women were awarded degrees from the principal universities, even though they had done the work and achieved the required level of excellence equal to their male counterparts!)

Fencing Medal

Fencing Medal

Dad fenced for Devon in the early 1950s. When I was very young I remember going to meetings and watching him fight, and was intrigued by the heavy white linen clothing and the mesh face mask, the stylised movements and the exaggerated politeness between the protagonists, and the curiously-shaped canvas bag he made to carry all the kit. He was always very quick on his feet and you could see the fencing influence in later years when he played tennis or table tennis!

Diamond Scales

Diamond Scales - Box Closed

Diamond Scales - Box Open

Diamond Scales - Weights

Diamond Scales - Scales Assembled

A miniature set of weighing scales in a beautiful little polished wooden box. Dad inherited this pocket set of scales from Grandpa, who obtained them while in South Africa. They were used for weighing diamonds. The set is complete, with all the tiny carat weights, and is quite exquisite, and just the sort of thing that appealed to Dad.

Number Counter

Number Counter

Press the top, and the number advances by one digit. Ushers at conferences or church services would frequently use these, clicking as each person arrived, so that the organisers would know how many attendees there were. Dad used this for all sorts of things where he was counting and didn’t want to lose count. It is worn and somewhat grubby from so much use.

Escapement Models

Escapement Models

Two small perspex models of clock escapements. In 1985, when Dad was president of his local medical society shortly before his retirement, one of his duties was to give the annual presidential address, which was always of a non-medical nature, and to which members’ families were invited. The lecture would be followed by a dinner. The subject of Dad’s address was “The Clock Doc – or Horology in a Nutshell” and he brought along many examples of different clocks from his collection. He showed diagrams on the overhead projector – one I remember was extremely detailed and complex, and he prefaced his explanation of this with “It’s really quite simple” which caused a ripple of amusement through the audience! They all knew what he was like!! He made these escapement models from perspex, to place on the plate of the overhead projector, and he would pull the string to make the pallets work against the scape-wheel, and it would all show on the screen. One is of a recoil escapement, common in normal long-case clocks, and the other a dead-beat escapement, more often found in regulators. He spent many hours designing and making these, to be shown for just a few minutes during his lecture. He used to do things like that.

Clock Notebook

Clock Notebook

In this tiny well-thumbed notebook are details of all the clocks he serviced and repaired over the years, written in his tiny and often illegible handwriting (illegible even to himself at times, as he freely admitted!) with the dates, and what he had done, so that when a particular clock would return as an inpatient in the Clock Hospital, he would know what had been done before, and any peculiarities or anomalies of that particular clock. He would often detail the gift the grateful owner would present him with, on the return home of the precious clock – usually a bottle of his favourite Single Malt. He never charged for his services but did it for love – love of the clocks and the opportunity to work on many different and varied timepieces, and of the many and varied owners with whom he often had long-standing relationships over the years as he continued to maintain their clocks for them. Many of the clocks led to enduring friendships, and several of these people left their clocks to him in their wills when they died, adding to his collection. I now own at least two of these.

Alhambra Mirror

Alhambra Mirror

I bought this for Dad when my hubby and I visited Granada on our Spanish holiday several years ago. He always loved Granada, Cordoba, Seville… all the wonderful Moorish architecture and the ancient culture, and I fell in love with these mirrors on sale, which imitate the intricate plasterwork of the walls and ceilings of these astonishing buildings. It hung in his study from the day I gave it to him. The only item in the collection which I gave him, chosen because I knew he would love it, and now it has returned to me, but with an extra layer of significance, another story, gained during his period of ownership.

Double Moebius Strip

Double Moebius Strip

Dad had long been fascinated by various mathematical problems and puzzles, including the Moebius strip, which is a mathematical three-dimensional figure with only one surface. He decided to make one, and ended up making a double one out of copper strip, brazed together. It used to hang in his study, rotating slowly in the air. As you look at it, it appears impossible, with the two figure-eight shapes appearing to be suspended on nothing. It still has a single surface. As you hold it in your hands, it moves and flexes in a strange way that makes it feel somewhat unreal, and not rigid as you would expect a metal object to be. I have in mind one day to create one from silver mirror card, and to suspend it from a slowly rotating motor, inside a partial cylinder of mirrored surface, to create an interesting play of light and reflection. It’s one of those projects in embryo form and not even yet on the drawing board! One day, one day… I think Dad would have been intrigued to see the result of such an idea, and when I eventually get around to doing it, it will feel like a joint project created by myself and Dad – an object with its own story and a divided timeline, as Dad is no longer with us, but he will still be intimately involved in its creation.

Antique Gold Pocket Watch

Gold Pocket Watch

This little watch is highly decorated and ornate. I do not know its history, but it was with his clock bits so I decided to keep it. I think it is probably a Victorian lady’s pocket watch but I have no details. Its story is hidden, but I am sure it has one!

Ornamental Turning

Ornamental Turning

Some years ago, Dad read a book about the 17th and 18th century kings of Prussia, who became passionate devotees of ornamental turning, producing some astonishing work. He decided to try his hand at this, and although he did not have a dedicated ornamental turning lathe, he used his 7-in Myford engineering lathe and decorated some small cylinders of box wood. The one in the above photograph is the only one remaining, unfortunately. Being a very hard, dense wood, box is ideal for showing up the fine detail of this form of turning.

Oxford Congress Badge

Oxford Congress Badge

For many years, Dad attended the annual Oxford Ophthalmological Congress which drew delegates from around the world. They would stay in one of the colleges and after an early morning dip in Parson’s Pleasure (a section of the River Thames strictly reserved for male nude bathing!!) they would settle down in the conference venue and hear learned papers and generally bring themselves up to date with the world of ophthalmology and share information in the more informal environment of the dining room. One year, for the final session, my dad presented a paper on a patient who had suffered a traumatic head injury resulting in the condition known as enophthalmos due to blow-out fracture (her eye had been pushed backwards, breaking the thin orbital bone of the skull). He had devised a novel method of rectifying this problem, which involved removing first the legs, and then the arms, of the patient, which enabled him finally to remove her head, and access the orbit posteriorly, via the foramen magnum. By this time, as you can imagine, there were distinct murmurs of apprehension and concern from the assembled company. At the end of the paper, Dad said that the patient herself had kindly agreed to appear before the congress to show them how successful this surgery had been. Dad introduced them all to Wendy, my sister’s plastic doll! Her limbs and head were connected by elastic bands via holes in her body, and her head could not be removed without first removing the limbs! Once he had her head off, he was able to push the eyeball back into its socket from behind – fortunately her head was quite hollow and his progress was not impeded by the presence of a brain!

Signet Ring Impression

Signet Ring Impression

When my parents got married in 1947, post-war rationing was still in place, and new gold was practically impossible to obtain. My dad bought an antique gold wedding ring for Mum, and she bought him an old gold signet ring set with a very dark red garnet. To make these rings uniquely their own, hers was engraved with tiny daisies all around (long since worn off after 66 years of marriage!) and the garnet of his was engraved with his monogram in reverse, as a seal. In amongst Dad’s things I found a tiny box with a wax impression of this seal, and a printed diagram of the monogram, produced by the jeweller who did the work for them.

I am extremely upset that the ring has gone missing recently. When visiting Dad in hospital the other day, I noticed to my horror that it was not on his finger. I immediately asked the hospital staff, and they checked the inventory of his belongings on admission, and it was not there, and none of the staff had noticed him wearing a ring. I phoned the residential home and the manager said they would have a look for it – it had not been handed into the office. He was notorious while there for losing his possessions – glasses, walking sticks etc. went missing for a pastime, and we are hoping it may yet turn up. This is history repeating itself – my maternal grandmother had a fine gold signet ring set with a bloodstone which had belonged to my grandfather, and which was to come to me, and it disappeared while she was in the nursing home. I am hoping and praying that it may yet turn up. I feel very upset over the loss of this ring which I have always loved, and which has been part of my dad’s hand all my life.

Thistle Liqueur Glass

Thistle Liqueur Glass

This is the last remaining glass from a set owned by my Scottish grandmother (the recipient of the silver medals). I always loved these little glass thistles, and I love the tactile contrast between the rough, cut-glass bowl and the smoothness of the rest of the glass. It brings back so many happy memories of holidays spent in her beautiful Scottish house so full of treasures.

 

I have various other objects which are not displayed on this shelf, partly because there’s no more room and partly because some of them are still not unpacked. They will most likely feature in the album. I also have some treasures of my own which were presents from Dad, and which reflected our shared interest in such things as the ancient Minoan culture of Crete, the Russian Imperial eggs of Peter Carl Faberge, and working with our hands – many of his gifts were workshop tools to help me with my basic DIY skills. We used to give each other magazine subscriptions for Christmas presents – he gave me a craft publication called “Golden Hands” for several years, and I reciprocated with “The Model Engineer,” or as we called it, “Oily Hands.” He was physically very healthy all his life until his extreme old age, suffering only from migraines – one thing he generously passed on to me that I could well have done without!

My dad had more integrity than anyone I have ever known. One of his favourite phrases was, “Just because everybody else is doing it, doesn’t make it right!” He was meticulous in his desire to do the right thing and to follow his conscience at all times. He was honest through and through, a man of faith, quiet, unassuming, hating to be thanked although he was generous to a fault, and giving in secret. He had extremely high standards in every area of his life, exacting, not sloppy in any way, neat and dapper in appearance and extremely intelligent. He liked everything to be clearly expressed and exact, and he used to irritate me a lot when I was growing up, by constantly correcting my grammar and not letting me get away with expressing things inaccurately! He and I had a close relationship from my early teens onwards, with mutual respect and a shared sense of humour, and a common love of classical music, especially Bach and chamber music. He introduced me to the Dartington International Summer School of Music which we attended together for many years, he playing chamber music and I singing in the choir and in workshops. We had long discussions about many subjects, including the Bible and our Christian faith, music, art, astronomy and many of his other interests and he always appreciated the things I had made. We enjoyed many of the same books – he introduced me to Sherlock Holmes and Nevil Shute – and we shared a love for thick, Scottish porridge cooked with salt and served with no sugar!

 

Some thoughts on physical presence and memory

I mentioned earlier the  importance of the spaces between objects being as important as the objects themselves. I have been reflecting on my dad’s place in the world, and how for 90 years he displaced a small part of the universe by his presence. At the moment of his death, although his body still occupied physical space, it was as if this displacement vanished, and the universe once again encroached on the space that he had lived in. His living presence made a leap – to glory, to share in eternity with our Lord Jesus, but also, at the same time, and in no lesser degree, into our hearts, where he will remain forever. He is no less real, now that his presence in time and space is no more, and I feel I have internalised him in a way that enlarges and enriches me. The space between objects that he once occupied has suddenly become a space within an object – as it were filling a plain and simple pot with something rich and enduring.

My precious little collection of artefacts appears as an eclectic group of objects with nothing to connect them except the mind of an extraordinary man – a true Renaissance man with wide-ranging interests and an untiring intellect – a mind which chose not to rest at the end of the working day, or when his professional life came to a close. A questing, enquiring mind which took delight in learning new things every day, expressed in the objects that he collected, made, and loved, and expressing a time-line of changing interests as his knowledge and experience grew. Each object tells a story and is redolent of the character of this great man I am privileged to call my father.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

My Lovely Dad, 1923-2013

 

10 Parents' Golden Wedding Party - Dad 1

The consultant physician at the hospital phoned my hubby yesterday afternoon to say that Dad had taken a turn for the worse. After visiting him briefly, he asked me if I would like to go in in the evening as it may be the last chance. After our evening meal we went, and stayed from about 8 p.m. until 11.50 when he quietly passed away.

His breathing was laboured and obviously taking a great deal of effort, despite the oxygen. He didn't speak at all, and to start with, lay with half closed eyes, but about half way through they moved him as he was obviously experiencing some discomfort, and after that his eyes were open until the end, fixed firmly on mine. I held his hand and stroked him throughout, speaking words of love, and reminding him of all the lovely times we'd had together, and thanking him for being such a wonderful Dad and teaching me so much, and sharing so much with me. During this time the nurse gave him a couple of injections - a further dose of morphine, and something to calm the breathing, after which his breathing became quieter and shallower, until it eventually stopped, and he slipped away. I know he was aware of us, and I know that sound is the last thing to go, and I know that he was carried along by our loving words.

The staff were absolutely amazing, quite phenomenal. We have witnessed how they treated all the old gentlemen in that bay on the ward, all gradually progressing towards the end - with dignity and respect, and with such gentleness and patience. They were so sweet with us, too. The ward had been closed except for emergency visiting because an infection had broken out, so we had to wear gloves and aprons (I hated not being able to have skin-to-skin contact with him) and they were happy for us to stay as long as we wanted, and when the end came, the three of them were standing at the end of his bed, and then they said they'd leave us alone with him for a bit. When we were ready they returned and were so sweet and kind with us, and before we left, one of them took us into the day room and gave us a booklet from the Bereavement Office, and said that anything we wanted to know, we could phone the ward any time and they would help.

I am so glad to have had the privilege of being there at his side as he passed, witnessing one of the great mysteries of the universe, happy that he did not have to make this transition alone.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Views from Shoshi's Settee - M.E.

After all that busy, busy, busy, making cards recently, I'm totally exhausted today. I've been what my hubby calls "floppy" all day, and have hardly stirred from the settee. I didn't wake up until late this morning and didn't actually get up till around 11 a.m., and then slept again on the settee this afternoon for an hour or so.

This is the dreaded "payback" after a person with M.E. has overdone things. It's one of the cruellest aspects of this illness - it's very unpredictable, because the "post-exertional malaise" can be delayed up to several days after one has overdone things, or it can come almost immediately. You just never know... Also it's uncertain how long it will go on. With me it's usually over after a day or so (depending on how much and for how long I've overdone things) but with some people, even a minor amount of overdoing things can send them into a relapse that might put them in bed for a month.

I've felt very weak, had more muscle twitches than usual, and have felt utterly drained of any energy to the point when even lying down and breathing makes one feel tired. I've had a headache most of the day and my temperature regulation has been poor - rather like having flu but without the sneezing and runny nose. Although it hasn't been too bad today, I sometimes suffer from hyperacusis when I'm like this - the slightest sound is unpleasant and makes me jump out of my skin!

I'm hoping that I shall feel better tomorrow, because it's my dad's birthday and I want us to drive over and see him, and I've also got to do some food shopping. There's a whole heap of things waiting to be done as well, but I shall just have to get to those when I can.

One of the most important things I've learnt through having M.E. is that however bad I'm feeling physically, it's important to give thanks for all the good things in my life, and to keep cheerful and remember things could be a whole lot worse! I have so much to be thankful for, and it's rare for me not to be in good spirits, although I do let frustration get the better of me on occasion.

Fighting this disease is the worst thing you can do - it just makes everything much worse! The best thing to do is to go with the flow, listen to your body, rest when you need to, pace yourself when you're feeling better enough to do things, and accept your limitations. I know that I am unwell, disabled and need a lot of help, but I am still "me" even if it's "me with M.E." and the M.E. isn't what defines me as a person. It's part of my life, but not the most important part!

The most important part is the people and relationships in my life: God and my relationship with Him through Jesus, my wonderful hubby, my parents, my friends, including those I've met online, and also a sense of humour and a bubbly, up-beat personality, my creativity and appreciation of beauty in all its forms, our kitties, the beautiful place where we live, the fact that we have enough when so many people have so little, and bright hope for the future.

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